I cut my hair to find me again. For my growth. For my sanity. For me solely. I didn’t tell anyone that I was going to do it either. I didn’t want the noise and opinions of others to stunt my growth or make me second guess what was right for me. A lot of people tell me, “You seem to have it together, you seem to know who you are.” For the most part I can say yes I’ve always had a stronger grasp on who I was than most people at my age; although, there were aspects of me that got really lost for a minute. For me, cutting my hair made me confront who I really am. I felt like I could have a clean slate, and a chance to gain back what I lost. Having my hair cut so short made me really sit back, and assess what was going on inside, because it wasn’t much to distract me from on the outside anymore. We put so much time, and value into our looks, and how we are perceived on the internet that we forget what’s reality. I was hiding behind filters, makeup, hair, even down to the way I spoke on snapchat. I hadn’t been my complete self for almost an entire year, and it was starting to bring me real discomfort and sadness. Your face and hair are the first thing people see when they look at you. It’s not your hands, it’s not your shoes, it’s your face. What makes us “attractive”,” noticeable” or “unique”. It was more than just my hair though. I was trying to hide my insecurities. I was trying to be someone I’m not for someone who didn’t want me anymore, and who I felt wanted something totally different to begin with. While I tried so hard to be that other person, in turn I lost the core of me. Maybe if I wore my hair this way, and fixed my chin that way for a selfie he would notice. Maybe if I did or said certain things he would notice. Maybe he would see me and say “Damn, I want you back.” I was trying to be so much like something I wasn’t to get someone back who wasn’t deserving of me in the first place. In my excerpt, “About Me” I said that I sometimes get lost in the wind, and always seem to find my way... Well I’m tired of being lost in the wind, and I don’t have to be. I’m tired of feeling like I have to be a little bit more quiet, a little less so awake, a little less than who I am. You know, a little less of a “strong black woman”. I’m not hiding anymore. I’m not covering up. I’m showing me in every way that I am. That is a tomboy. That is sexy. That is mysterious. That is loving. That is feisty and goofy. I’ll never allow myself to get so low to the point where I hate a woman I don’t even know because of a person who in the end didn’t truly value me or my time. I know that’s not the woman I am, and that’s not the woman I am going to be. I also want to make it clear that there is no one way to be a woman. Women are the epitome of diverse and everything that is beautiful. So, if I decide I want to wear something a little less revealing and a little baggy, I should be able to do that without being questioned about my sexuality. Or if I want to show cleavage, then I should be able to do that without being questioned if I have respect for myself or not. Believe it or not style, hair, the color of someone’s nails is not exclusive to a specific gender. I love being a woman. I love everything about what being a woman stands for, and I don’t think we should be pinned to a specific box because of what we wear or what hairstyle we have. I love dressing it up and making it real, but I also love to be in a hoodie or something a little more comfortable. I say all of this to say, that whatever or whoever you are, “be that”. Be that in the way you walk, the way you talk, the way you dress, be that. Don’t let someone else define you or get in the way of finding who you are. I just got tired of feeling like I have to conform for people or for a society that doesn’t even give a fuck about my well being. I'm not here to make you guys think that I'm hurt or that one person broke me down. I didn’t know myself before the relationship I was in, and I just made it worse when I decided to stay in something that I knew should have ended a lot sooner than it did. I'm stronger than I ever have been before, and I recognize my power, and what my power means to me. Cutting your hair doesn’t all of a sudden set you free from the past or free you from your problems (even though it does feel liberating as fuck). I had to find ways outside of a haircut to find my peace of mind. So, I read, write, meditate, literally delete, and block anything that doesn’t bring me joy. Finding who you really want to be in this world is an everyday process. I feel like right now in my life, it’s such an odd and beautiful time, but everything I do, and everything I go through has been or will be completely worth it. Really I’m just here to say that:
1. Nothing is as it seems.
2. I am a work in progress and every day I look to love the ones who love me, and even the ones who don’t.
3. That loving yourself first and protecting your peace is the greatest service you can do for yourself.
So, if you were wondering, these were the reasons I cut my hair.